


Not a Soldier

by SailorChibi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Bittersweet Ending, Consent Issues, Drugs, Flashbacks, Flashbacks of Rape, Focuses more on the aftermath, Gen, Insecure Tony Stark, Miscommunication, Mistakes, Oblivious Avengers, Oblivious Bruce Banner, Oblivious Clint Barton, Oblivious Natasha Romanov, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Oblivious Team, Oblivious Thor, PTSD, Past Kidnapping, Past Rape/Non-con, Phil Coulson is a badass, Pre-OT7, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Protective Bruce Banner, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Phil Coulson, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Thor, Rape Recovery, Rape trauma, Team as Family, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is a civilian, Tony Stark is not a soldier, Trust Issues, Victim Blaming, and like he's not a part of the team, and they are appropriately horrified when they realize what happened, and vows to make up for their mistake, it's hard because tony would do it again, meaning a happy ending but tony is still working through trauma, miscommunication like no one's business, protect tony stark, rape is between Tony/OMC, sincere apologies, sometimes the team forgets tony isn't a trained soldier, team gets to know tony stark, team loves tony stark, team rallies around tony, the team loves Tony Stark, the team will protect him, tony is self-sacrificing, tony stark feels worthless, volunteering someone for sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-10 00:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12286977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorChibi/pseuds/SailorChibi
Summary: When a villain kidnaps the team and demands sex in exchange for the team's freedom, the obvious choice to offer up is the person who has the most experience (and the worst reputation).Unfortunately, Tony didn't actually consent.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a commission based off an old prompt on the MCU kinkmeme, which asked for Tony being "volunteered" by the rest of the team and Tony being raped as a result. It will probably be pre-OT7 as opposed to actual OT7, which is why it's labeled as gen. I hope I can do it justice, anon.

The Avengers alarm blared. Somewhere in the tower, Tony knew that the rest the team – not his team, no, never his team – were jerking awake and scrambling out of bed. Tony didn’t have that problem. He was standing in his living room by the window, looking out at the city. He could see his reflection in the glass, and what he saw didn’t exactly overwhelm him. An old, haggard, useless _man_ who would never be worthy of the Avengers. A man who’d been a fool to think otherwise.

“Sir,” JARVIS said. The alarm switched off so that the A.I. could speak quietly. “Perhaps you should sit this one out. I could inform Captain Rogers that you are indisposed.”

“No.”

“I wouldn’t even have to lie,” JARVIS said, because he was sassy like that. “You’re not fit for –”

“I said no,” Tony said, more firmly this time. “I’m fine. I can go.” He turned away from the window and limped over to the launch pad. 

(They hadn’t prepped him, not the way they should’ve. He’d struggled when he’d felt fingers down there. Maybe that was a mistake because all that had earned him was a slap and a little bit of lubrication smeared around his hole. The first thrust had brought tears to his eyes and he’d tried to scream through the gag. It came out as more of a slurred grunt and they’d laughed at him, taunting him about enjoying it.)

It was cold when he stepped outside, so cold, but he barely noticed. He didn’t know what was going on, but he wasn’t about to let the team go anywhere without him. Thor was amazing at aerial support, but he didn’t always notice the little details. Tony considered it his responsibility to catch Clint when Clint threw himself off of buildings, or keep track of the Hulk, or grab Natasha when she needed help, or catch Steve when he jumped out planes without parachutes.

He felt better once the armor surrounded him, more centered. Nothing could hurt him while he was wearing the armor. Scratch that: no one could _touch_ him while he was wearing the armor, and that was the most important thing by far. His heart rate slowed as the HUD lit up. JARVIS opened up the communication line and suddenly the helmet was flooded with voices. Tony just listened for a moment as he took off.

Then Steve’s voice, strong and commanding, cut through the chatter. “Iron Man! Report. Are you there?”

“Present,” Tony said with a small smile, though of course no one but JARVIS would know that. “I’ve left the tower and I’m on my way downtown. E.T.A. is two minutes.”

“We’re right behind you,” Natasha said. “Save some of the fun for us.”

Tony smirked but didn’t respond. Hearing a distant boom of thunder, he turned his head just in time to see Thor joining him. Thor beamed, red cape billowing dramatically around his shoulders, and Tony was grateful for the faceplate that meant he didn’t need to try and smile back. He wondered suddenly if Thor was afraid too. Did Thor worry that the team might get captured again? Did he worry that he’d be drugged again?

Probably not. Thor didn’t have cause to worry. Thor hadn’t been willingly handed over for – 

(They’d put straps against his wrists so he couldn’t fight and then more straps around his ankles and thighs, spreading his legs wide. The straps, whatever they were made of, had rubbed his skin raw. He’d pulled and squirmed so hard that blood was running down his arms and probably down his legs too, but it didn’t stop. The hands kept touching him, sliding across his skin.)

“Man of Iron! We must continue,” Thor boomed.

“What?” Tony said, realizing he’d come to a complete stop. His skin itched. He had the nearly unbearable urge to flee back to the tower and take a long shower.

“Are you well?” Thor said, sounding confused. “Usually you are eager to be the first to reach the enemy.”

“I – I’m fine,” Tony said. This time, grateful that his voice somehow didn’t shake. “Sorry, JARVIS was showing me data and I got lost in thought.” He quickly scanned the info that JARVIS – thank god for JARVIS – pushed across the HUD. “Looks like we’re dealing with someone that’s got an affinity for electricity. Most of Manhattan is dead.”

“You should keep your distance,” Steve said over the comm. “That could cause damage to your suit.”

“My suit is better than that,” Tony said, aiming for cocky and falling flat. They’d stripped him out of the suit. Peeled it off him like it was made of latex – 

“I should like to see this foe that feels they are good enough to use electricity as their weapon,” Thor declared. He waved Mjolnir around and gave a predatory grin that made Tony’s skin crawl. “Come, Man of Iron. Let us confront our new enemy!”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Tony said numbly, kicking the thrusters into high gear. He flew after Thor but kept a careful distance between them. They reached the sight in less than a minute and a half; their ‘foe’ was immediately obvious, considering that he was the only visible person in at least a dozen blocks. Well, that and the fact that he was dressed from head to toe in bright red rubber.

“Avengers,” the guy said with a sneer. “I was expecting you to show up.” He threw up a hand. Tony and Thor dodged the bursts of electricity with ease.

But the guy kept shooting, so Tony kept dodging. He heard something explode and then Thor let out a yelp and he instinctively turned, realizing that Thor had disappeared and there was now a building imploding, crumbling in on itself. There was no way that the guy could’ve done that himself – but he had _bombs_ , Tony realized belatedly, and he was setting them off remotely somehow.

“Guys, he’s got bombs set up,” he said quickly, and heard the other members of their team cursing. “Thor, are you okay?”

“I am well,” Thor said through gritted teeth. “Give me but a moment and I will be free.”

“I’ll be the distraction until then,” Tony said with forced lightness.

(He’d been the distraction last time, hadn’t he? Or maybe a more apt term was sacrificial lamb. Because the team had been promised freedom in exchange for sex, and it had taken the rest of the team all of twenty minutes to come to the consensus that Tony would do. Tony’s body in exchange for the team’s freedom. Yet the team must’ve known that was a lie, because they’d broken out while Tony was being taken, so really they’d given Tony over as a _sacrificial distraction_.)

Oh god. He couldn’t do this. His stomach rolled and he felt nauseous. The pain, which he’d blocked out until now, crept up in the back of his mind until it was nearly unbearable, and all that he could think about was that JARVIS was right. He wasn’t fit for duty right now. He shouldn’t have been out on the field. He couldn’t even bring himself to help Thor; the thought of entering a confined space with any of his teammates made cold panic sweep through his body.

His moment of being frozen cost him. The enemy yelled with triumph as he swung a huge gun up – from where? Tony didn’t even know – and blasted the Iron Man suit with some kind of beam. Immediately blaring red warning signs leapt up in front of Tony’s eyes, showing that the suit was losing power fast. He wasn’t that far from the ground, thankfully. He landed, going down on one knee while he barked orders at JARVIS.

But JARVIS didn’t answer, and it took him way too long to figure out why. The suit was _dissolving_ , melting under and around him like snow under a hot sun. Tony stumbled free, left only in his jeans and muscle shirt in the cold, and turned to watch the last of his million dollar armor vanished. He stared in disbelief at the place where it had been, unable to tell if it was really gone or if it had been sent to another dimension.

“Tony!” Steve yelled, and Tony flinched. Belatedly he realized he was out here on a battlefield, armorless and defenseless, and Steve, Natasha and Clint were running towards him. There was no sign of Bruce, probably hanging back with SHIELD until he knew whether the Hulk was needed, and Tony didn’t know what to do.

“Now that I have eliminated my biggest concerns, I have demands!” the villain bellowed, and Steve grabbed Tony’s wrist.

 _It was happening again_.

“No,” Tony whimpered before he could stop himself, panic and pain raging through him – he’d covered the raw skin of his wrists with make-up, but they still hurt like a bitch. “No, please, I can’t –” He tried to wrench away from Steve, but Steve’s grip was too strong. Of course it was. This was Captain America, and, if he wanted Tony to do something, then Tony had no say in the matter. 

The panic took over then. Tony kicked and punched for all he was worth (it hadn’t mattered last time. He’d been still a little drugged up and there had been so many of them. They’d just held his hands in the end, when he was too weak to struggle, and caressed him and called him silly names and told him he was a good boy. That’s when he’d cried for real, not just because of the pain, but because these monsters were telling him what he’d always wanted to hear) until Steve, shocked, let go.

“Tony, what are you –”

“No. No. No!” Tony cried. It was all he could get out when the panic was tightening his throat and making it hard to breathe. He stumbled back. “NO!”

“Tony,” Natasha said. She took a step towards him. She’d been the one to suggest his name. She knew his reputation, she’d said, and Clint had laughed and called Tony a slut (“Come on, Cap, Stark’s a slut. He’s used to this.”) when Steve had hesitated.

Tony backed up more. His hands and knees were shaking equally hard. He stumbled over something and went down hard, curling in on himself, feeling phantom hands on his body. He slapped and scratched at his skin to get rid of them, but it didn’t work. He screamed when Natasha tried to get close; he was still clothed but clothes were so easily pulled off, and he _couldn’t take it a second time_. 

“Steve, don’t touch him!” Bruce snarled somewhere above Tony’s head.

“But I don’t –”

“Focus on the enemy standing ten feet away! Coulson and I have got this.”

“Stark. Tony.” Coulson’s voice was closer, closer than it should have been, but Tony didn’t feel the familiar swamp of fear. If anything, the panic receded slightly. The team had met up with SHIELD after they’d escaped, so Tony wasn’t even sure if they knew what had happened.

“Please,” he gasped into his hands. “Make them stop.”

“Make what stop?”

“They’re touching me,” Tony moaned.

“Tony, no one is touching you,” Coulson said calmly, but not patronizingly. 

“They’re going to. They’re going to offer me up again.” Tony’s breath caught at the thought. His hands shook. “I can’t. _Please_.”

“No one is going to do anything that you don’t want them to do.” Coulson’s voice had hardened slightly. “Can you look at me?”

Tony shuddered but obeyed. His face was wet with tears. He met Coulson’s eyes with a rising swell of shame, but he just couldn’t get a handle on the panic and fear. A quick glance showed that Coulson was right and no one was touching him – but there were new bruises now, on top of the old ones, where Steve had grabbed his wrist too tightly and the make-up had rubbed away. He could still feel Steve’s grip, and shuddered.

“No one is going to hurt you,” Coulson said, very slowly and deliberately. “Can I put my jacket around you?”

More clothes, not less. Tony nodded frantically. Coulson stripped off his suit jacket and stepped closer, wrapping it around Tony’s shoulders. It was warm and dwarfed him; Tony pulled it shut and continued to shiver. He turned his face into Coulson’s legs, fighting the urge to fling an arm around Coulson’s legs. Coulson didn’t move away, just stood over him like an immoveable object, while the rest of the Avengers fought.


	2. Chapter 2

It took Tony a moment to realize that he hadn’t gone deaf, but that the fighting had stopped. An unusual silence settled over downtown New York, broken only by the wind, the snap of bystander phones taking pictures, and two dozen people breathing. Then there were footsteps, crunching over glass and debris, and the sound of a SHIELD agent taking the villain of the day into custody. 

“Tony,” Coulson said. He was still using that slow, calm voice. “Can you stand up? I would like you to come with me.”

Where? Tony thought about asking, but that would take so much effort. The fear and panic had subsided, leaving behind a strong feeling of embarrassed shame. Still clutching at Coulson’s jacket, he slowly got to his feet. Coulson smiled at him, brown eyes warmer than Tony could ever remember them being. He wanted to sink into that color and just drift, but then he realized Coulson was holding out a hand.

“Can I touch you?” Coulson asked. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to touch you.” 

He didn’t look like he would get mad. He didn’t look like he would grab Tony if Tony said no. So Tony shook his head, because the thought of being touched right now made his hands shake. 

“Okay. If you decide that you want to touch me, you can. For now, walk this way with me. We’re going right over there.” Coulson pointed to a SHIELD car, which was parked about ten feet away. The distance between it and Tony felt much further though, and he was pathetically grateful that the agents surrounding them were staying back. He couldn’t even see the rest of the Avengers when he risked a quick look around, not even Bruce.

Coulson took a step forward and Tony followed obediently. His legs were weak, but supported him well enough. His ass ached as he moved and he didn’t have the strength to hide his limp the way he usually did. He was all too aware of the eyes looking in his direction and he ducked his head, flushing with shame. It felt like the truth of what had happened was written on his skin for all to see.

Before he could stop himself, his hand shot out and he grabbed the back of Coulson’s crisp white shirt. It wasn’t tucked in the way it usually was, because the vest-armor that Coulson always wore under his jacket when they got called out pulled at his shirt every time, eventually un-tucking it. Coulson had spent many an hour bitching about the fact that his dress shirts inevitably got wrinkled around the bottom when he put the vest-armor on. Tony and Clint had spent just as many hours giggling about it.

Coulson’s progress forward paused, and he looked at Tony over his shoulder.

“I’m wrinkling your shirt,” Tony said weakly, without thinking. He tried to let go, but his hand wouldn’t cooperate.

“I can press my shirts, Tony. A few wrinkles never hurt anyone.”

It was so at odds with Coulson’s normal way of thinking that Tony actually met his gaze. Coulson looked both worried and fond, a familiar combination which was unusual only in that it was being directed towards Tony and not Natasha or Clint. He took another step forward and Tony followed, still clutching at the back of Coulson’s shirt, until somehow they’d both made it to the car.

“I’m going to open the door for you,” Coulson told him. “Do you want me to drive? Or would you rather I sat in the back with you and let someone else drive?”

Tony wanted Coulson in the back with him. He felt safer with Coulson beside him. But he didn’t want anyone else in the car. He swallowed. “JARVIS?”

“You want JARVIS to drive,” Coulson said, somehow knowing what Tony meant. Tony nodded, face growing hot. It was a ridiculous request, he knew. He’d let JARVIS drive his own cars before, but never around anyone else. No one else would feel comfortable with that, or have enough trust in JARVIS.

So he was utterly shocked when Coulson cocked his head and said, “Okay. Do you need anything special for that to happen?”

Silently, half-thinking it was a joke, Tony reached into his pocket with his free hand and withdrew a small piece of metal that looked like a button. The sleeve of Coulson’s jacket slid down when he moved, revealing the wounds on his wrist. Coulson’s eyes trained on them immediately and his whole face tightened, but he didn’t say anything. He just held a hand out and took the button from Tony. He set it on the dash under Tony’s wordless instruction and then opened the back door.

By the time they were both in the backseat, the car’s dash was fully lit up. “Hello, Sir, Agent Coulson,” JARVIS intoned, voice coming from the radio. “Calculating the quickest route to SHIELD. Captain Rogers wishes for me to let you know that the team will meet you there.”

Tony wanted to cry again with relief at hearing JARVIS’s voice. He sagged back against the seat as the car thrummed to life and pulled away from the curb. Coulson tensed a little before forcing himself to relax, though he stiffened up at every light and during every turn. Tony didn’t have the words to tell him that JARVIS was a better driver than 95% of the people on the road.

When they got to SHIELD, Coulson turned to Tony. “I would like to take you up to medical –”

“No,” Tony said immediately. 

“You’re injured.”

“I’m fine. JARVIS scanned me. I’m fine.” Tony was cold at the thought of anyone touching him, especially in certain _intimate_ places. Not only that, but he didn’t want to take the risk of anyone drawing even more conclusions about what had happened than they already had. SHIELD’s firewalls were good because then they’d been built by Tony, but they weren’t nearly as ironclad as Tony’s personal servers. It was bad enough so many people had seen him crying like a child.

Coulson didn’t look convinced, but apparently decided against pushing. “Okay. If you start bleeding though, I’ll have to insist.”

“I’m not bleeding,” Tony muttered, mortified. It had hurt (they’d _made_ it hurt) but nothing was torn. They’d used just enough lubrication to avoid that. Mostly it just felt like he’d been really, really well fucked, which wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Your wrists?”

He blinked at Coulson, then dropped his gaze to his wrists. They were a bit of a mess. Okay, maybe more than a bit. His right wrist really was bleeding again. He suddenly wondered whether Steve had blood on his hands. God, he hoped not.

“Would you let me bandage them?” Coulson asked.

Tony thought about it before slowly nodding. He wouldn’t mind if Coulson touched him. Coulson, or any of the other members of the team, so long as he felt like he could get away if necessary. He followed Coulson into the building. JARVIS must’ve given someone higher up a warning, because the halls were empty. They walked unimpeded to Coulson’s office, where a first aid kit was sitting right outside the door.

There was a small couch in Coulson’s office, one which Tony knew Clint and Natasha frequently made use of. He sat without waiting for direction and held his wrists out. A shiver swept through him when Coulson’s fingers first made contact, but Tony didn’t pull away. He told himself that he was stronger than that and sat in silence as Coulson patiently cleaned and bandaged first his wrists, and then – when Coulson asked if there were any other wounds that needed to be tended – his ankles.

“You can tell me anything, Tony,” he said quietly as he tied the bandage on Tony’s right ankle. “I will not judge you. I’m here not just in the capacity of the Avengers’ handler, but also as your friend. I will listen to whatever you want to tell me.”

Tony had thought he would never tell anyone. Yet when he glanced up into Coulson’s eyes, his big mouth said, “Don’t punish the team. They were right to volunteer me.”

“Volunteer you for what?” Coulson asked when it became clear Tony wasn’t going to offer more information without prodding.

“They want to have sex with someone,” Tony said, as bluntly as he could. Voice flat. “Someone from the team, in exchange for everyone’s freedom. We were all drugged, I think. No one was thinking clearly. Bruce and Thor were barely conscious.” He sucked his teeth, remembering that hideous moment. The funny thing was, Tony would’ve gladly volunteered in order to spare his team that pain. It was the drugs that had kept him quiet, his usually light-speed brain struggling to understand, until the others spoke up first.

“Your last mission,” Coulson said quietly. He named the perpetrators, but the names were lost on Tony. They meant nothing.

“Yes. I think – I think it was a game to them, making us choose. They – laughed a lot.” His voice wobbled. He swallowed hard. Calmed himself. “And I’m a slut. The obvious choice.”

Coulson was silent for a moment. “Who said that?”

“Natasha,” Tony admitted. “And Clint. Even Steve. It’s true. I have the most experience with sex.” Except that wasn’t sex. It was (hands touching him, the taste of semen and tears in his mouth, the pain of having his hair viciously pulled, the disgusting feeling of _dirty_ ) nothing like sex.

“Do you know why she said that?”

Tony shrugged one shoulder, then winced. His shoulders still ached from struggling so hard. “It’s the truth?”

For the first time, anger flickered across Coulson’s face. “It’s not true. You’re not a slut.”

“Yeah, I am. It’s okay. I own it,” Tony said, aiming for ease and knowing he fell pathetically short. It really was true, though. For years he’d claimed the title of ‘slut’, because he’d discovered that the easiest way to make people lose interest in an insult was to take that insult and wear it as a crown. The media wanted to call him a slut? Fine, he’d be the biggest, sluttiest slut to ever slut the streets of New York.

He’d never thought it would backfire like this.

Coulson looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t. “You were raped. Why didn’t anyone report it? That kind of thing needs to be reported to SHIELD immediately. We have doctors, psychologists, people who can help.”

“I’m not actually sure the team knows how far it went,” Tony confessed. “I was gagged, for one thing. It may have sounded like – like I was enjoying it.” He couldn’t help a shudder. “And it’s possible they couldn’t hear me at all. I think… Natasha said something about a plan. They were trying to escape. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“But it did,” Coulson said. “You didn’t tell them?”

“No. They wouldn’t care,” Tony said softly, sadly. “I was the best choice, but I…” His voice quivered, breaking on him. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I don’t want that to happen again. I know I’m the outsider and I’m not really part of the team and I was the most obvious choice. I get all that, I swear I do, and I shouldn’t abandon the team for making that call, but I can’t –” He couldn’t get anything else out. His throat closed up and he started to tremble again.

“Fuck, Tony,” Coulson said, and Tony looked at him in shock. He’d never heard Coulson swear before. Not even when Loki had stabbed him through the chest. He didn’t know what surprised him more, the swearing or when Coulson opened his arms and offered up a hug.

Or maybe it was the fact that Tony actually took it. He could hardly stand to be touched right now, but he craved touch at the same time. Coulson’s arms closed around him gently, and Tony’s breathing picked up in alarm even as he hugged Coulson back. After a moment or two though, his body processed that nothing was going to happen and he started to relax.

“I will get to the bottom of this,” Coulson vowed, tucking the coat more snugly around Tony’s upper body. “I swear to you. I’ll fix this. Somehow.”

“Okay,” Tony whispered. He didn’t know if this could be fixed. His brain was telling him that it couldn’t. But he desperately wanted to believe Coulson.


	3. Chapter 3

After a few minutes, Coulson glanced at his watch. “Everyone should be back by now and assembled in the board room. I’m going to talk to the team. Do you want to be there? Or would you like to watch? Or you can stay here and I'll come get you after."

“I’d like to watch,” Tony said, half-expecting to be told in a completely un-ironic way that spying was wrong. Instead, Coulson helped him to stand and personally escorted Tony downstairs. The other Avengers were waiting in a smaller boardroom than the one they usually debriefed in: the key difference was, of course, the fact that one of the walls was a two-way mirror. 

Tony eased himself down into the chair that was sitting in front of the window and looked through. Bruce, Thor, Natasha and Clint were all sitting around the table. Steve was pacing back and forth, gloved hands fisted behind his back. No one was talking and there was a palpable tension in the room. If Tony didn’t know better, he would’ve said they were worried – but that didn’t make a lot of sense. What did they have to be worried about?

The second the door opened to admit Coulson, Steve spun to face him. “Where is Tony?!” he demanded. “Is he okay? Is he hurt? What’s going on?”

Coulson lifted a hand. “I’ll ask you to sit, Captain,” he said. “Tony is… well enough.” His momentary pause didn’t go unnoticed. All of the Avengers looked at him sharply. But Coulson didn’t give an inch, staring them down silently until Steve reluctantly slid into one of the empty chairs. Only then did Coulson approach the table. He didn’t sit, just stood there.

“I would like to discuss your last mission. The one where you were all kidnapped.”

“What about it?” Steve said, looking baffled.

“First of all, I’d like to know why no one reported that one of your teammates was raped.”

The reaction was instantaneous. Natasha and Steve both recoiled like they’d been slapped. Clint jumped to his feet. Bruce turned a little green around the edges. Thor tensed – it was probably a good thing that he had not brought Mjolnir into the room, or he would’ve been reaching for the hammer. The whole mood of the room changed. Through it all, Coulson didn’t move.

It was Natasha who finally spoke. “Tony didn’t say anything in his report,” she said stiffly. “He’s a private person. It’s not something he would want SHIELD or anyone outside of the immediate team to know.” She glared at Coulson.

Which… Tony couldn’t argue against that. Natasha was right. He didn’t want anyone to know. Bearing witness to this right now, the six of them discussing something so personal and intimate, made his skin crawl with shame. 

“You know better than that, Agent Romanov. It’s not an excuse. When you are debriefing, you tell your commanding officer _every detail_ no matter how sordid or shameful you feel it was.” Coulson glared at each of them one by one. “I want to hear what happened in your own words.”

“Why?” Clint said.

“Don’t ask questions, Agent Barton. Do as I asked.”

Clint sighed and glanced at the others. “I don’t remember some of it,” he admitted, pursing his lips. “We were all pretty heavily drugged. But I know they were threatening torture. Execution. They wanted to have sex with one of us. In exchange, we’d all be set free. It seemed like a pretty obvious trade-off.”

Coulson nodded. “And how did you come to the conclusion that Tony would be the best candidate?”

“He likes sex,” Natasha said. “He likes it a lot. Everyone knows that. He has the most experience out of everyone.” She hesitated. “If it had been torture, Clint or I would have gladly volunteered. That’s what we have the most experience with.”

Tony winced. At least this time she hadn’t called him a slut, though he could hear the echo of the word in what she wasn’t saying. And she was right again, wasn’t she? He knew that Natasha and Clint both had sex on missions when it was necessary. But their combined experience didn’t even come close to all of the sexual encounters Tony’d had in his twenties and thirties. 

“And you thought that meant he would be okay with rape,” Coulson said coldly. 

“He didn’t say no,” Steve said, but weakly. “When we asked… he didn’t say no.”

“This is Tony Stark we’re talking about. He flew a nuke through a portal to save a city that hates him and a team that he’d only met two days previous,” Coulson snapped. “Of course he didn’t say no! You all know damn well that Tony is as self-sacrificing as they come. He would never willingly put one of you into his place. He would never make you go through what you asked him to.”

No one said anything. The uncomfortable silence deepened until Tony was squirming and he wasn't even in the same room. He was starting to think that this had been a mistake, and that he should’ve said no when Coulson asked if he wanted to be here for this. But he didn’t want to just get up and leave either. That would be like admitting even more weakness on top of what Coulson, the Avengers and SHIELD had already witnessed from him that day. 

Finally, Coulson spoke again. “Tony has a reputation for enjoying sex. We all know that. But under no circumstances does that make your actions understandable or okay. What you neglected to take into consideration, Agent Romanov, is that we aren’t talking a soldier or an agent who has been trained in sexual torture or manipulation. We are talking about a _civilian_. A civilian that you personally elected to undergo rape.”

Steve had gone white. Tony wondered if, as Tony, Steve was thinking about that moment back when they first met, when Tony had screamed at him that they weren’t soldiers. He stood by that statement. He wasn’t sure it held a lot of relevance in this case, but clearly it had hit a nerve.

“Is Tony okay?” Bruce asked, speaking for the first time.

Coulson leveled him with a cold look. “Physically? He will be. Mentally? Emotionally? Who knows? Certainly not his team, who didn’t even bother to ask how he was doing after the fact.”

They all winced. It was Thor who said, “We believed the Man of Iron wanted time alone. To… lick his wounds.”

“A lovely thought,” Coulson said, a hint of sneer on his face. “Except Tony has spent the last week thinking that none of you care about him. That you would give him up again at any moment to save your own skins.”

“What?” Steve exclaimed. “That’s not true!”

“Tony told me that himself. He said that he knew he wasn’t really a part of the team, and that he’s an outsider. He seems to be under the impression that what he suffered through doesn’t matter, and that there’s an excellent chance it could happen again. That’s the reason he lost it today. The villain said he had demands at the same time that you, Captain, grabbed Tony.”

Oh god. Tony had been hoping that no one had put that together. 

If possible, Steve went even paler. “I didn’t think – Tony was out in the field without his armor, I was just trying to get him to safety.”

“Oh my god,” Clint said softly, horror painted across his face. “I thought – Coulson, we didn’t mean to!” He sank back into his chair. “We didn’t mean to.”

“What you meant, Agent Barton, is of very little consequence. Those are the facts. We all know that, given enough time, Tony probably would’ve volunteered himself to be raped to spare you –”

Tony looked down at that, pulling Coulson’s jacket more firmly around his shoulders. It was the truth and he couldn’t deny that when everyone knew it was the truth. 

“ – but that doesn’t change the fact that you volunteered him before he could do that. You made the choice. You made it so that he couldn’t refuse without losing face. You failed to check up on him afterwards. You have fucked up beyond words. You should have known better.”

“I said he was a slut,” Clint whispered. “I was joking. I didn’t think -”

“I offered his name up in the first place,” Natasha said. “I thought… he and I are the most experienced, I thought he would say no if he wasn’t okay with it.” Her face was very pale.

“We need to see Tony,” Steve said, getting to his feet.

Coulson held up a hand. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Tony is terrified right now. He can barely stand to be touched. Mentally, he’s in a terrible place and he doesn’t trust any of you.”

“Please,” Steve said, desperation shining in his eyes. “We have to make this right. I can’t bear the thought –” He shuddered, picking up a green tinge, and bolted upright. Tony flinched as Steve threw the door open and took off down the hall. Thank god, Steve didn’t so much as touch as the doorknob to the room where Tony was. Tony couldn’t have said what he would’ve done if Steve had.

“I am going to go check on our Captain,” Thor said, getting up. His expression was more serious than Tony had ever seen it. “We have all erred grievously, son of Coul. I assure you that I will do everything in my power to make it up to Tony. He is a valued member of our team, and a friend.”

Coulson nodded as Thor walked out. “Doctor Banner, I would like a word with my agents, please. The Hulk room is available if you need some time to yourself.”

“Please,” Bruce rasped. His eyes were glowing green. He staggered to his feet and out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

“Coulson,” Natasha began.

“Don’t.” Coulson’s voice was quiet and harsh. “I’m extremely disappointed in you two. I thought I made it explicitly clear that you were joining a team with two civilians and that you would treat them accordingly. Thor is an unknown quantity, and Captain Rogers has had military training. But Tony has never had any of the training that you two were fortunate to have received, and he has also been tortured in the past. Repeatedly. The details of which no one is exact on.”

Tony grimaced. He was suddenly thankful that he’d hacked his files at SHIELD and meticulously erased all references to the torture in Afghanistan. What had happened this time had no bearing on Afghanistan (except it did, because they’d held him down in Afghanistan too – they’d strapped him to the table during the operation, and sometimes he could still feel the hands of the guards).

“We made a mistake,” Clint said roughly.

“A mistake would’ve been allowing Tony to volunteer when you knew he didn’t have the resources or training to handle what was going to happen. No, Agent Barton, you did far worse than that. We are not leaving this room until you understand _exactly_ what you’ve done.” Coulson sat down finally, but Tony didn’t get the chance to see what he was going to do next. The wall flickered and then turned blank.

“Hey!” He turned his head just as the door to his room opened. Fury looked at him.

“Problem?” Fury asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Coulson said I could watch.”

“You don’t want to hear what’s going on in there,” Fury said, not unkindly. 

Tony glanced back at the wall. He hated to admit it, but Fury was probably right. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” he muttered.

“It matters a lot. I will bench them all right now if you want me to.”

“What?” Tony said, stunned.

Fury met his eyes squarely. “I will remove them all from active duty. We have other superheroes than can take their place. I won’t send you out onto the field with a team that you can’t trust. I’m an asshole, but I’m not cruel.”

“You can’t do that. The world needs the Avengers.”

“The world will always have the Avengers. We also have contingency plans in case the Avengers get taken down. It’s pretty easy to put one of those into place, however temporarily. And it’s fully your call. No one will judge you or blame you if that’s what you choose.”

Tony swallowed hard. It was a huge decision. “If I said yes?”

“All I have to do is send Hill an email and she puts everything in motion. You never have to see any of them again.”

Never see Steve’s smile first thing in the morning as he cooked breakfast for the team? Never work side by side with Bruce in the labs? Never go for a late night flight with Thor across ocean? Never hear Clint’s excited whoop as he got the chance to test out new arrows for the first time? Never see Natasha’s expression of peace as she allowed herself to fall asleep in the middle of the living room?

“I could kill every one of them for what they put you through and never blink an eye,” Fury said very quietly. “For once in your damn life, I am asking you to put aside what is best for everyone else and think about what’s best for _you_. And if you can’t trust them again, if you can’t even bring yourself to see them again, I want to know. I won’t have a repeat of what happened today when I can get rid of them today and save you the pain.”

“I knew you were a softie at heart,” Tony said with a small smile. “I… don’t know. I can’t answer that yet. I need to talk to them first. I need to know…” He trailed off. There was so much he needed to know. Did the team actually care about him? Would they do the same thing again? It didn’t seem like it based off the reactions he’d seen – he’d never seen any of them look so horrified – but Tony didn’t know if he could believe that.

Fury nodded. “That’s fair. Coulson will be with you when you talk to them. That’s nonnegotiable. We can set up something tonight after you have the chance to rest and eat.”

“I’m not very hungry.”

“That’s also nonnegotiable,” Fury said dryly. “Come on, Tony.”

“Careful, Nick. Someone’s going to think you care,” Tony quipped, slowly standing up.

“I do care about you, Tony. So does Coulson. You have friends in SHIELD. That may be difficult for you to believe, but it’s the truth.” Fury opened the door and stood back for Tony to leave first. “And I won’t stand by and let some monumental _fuck-up_ be the thing that takes you apart.”


	4. Chapter 4

True to Fury’s word, he escorted Tony to his office and then sat beside him and stared until Tony consented to eating a sandwich. He took tiny bites, chewing and swallowing between sips of water, and was surprised when the sandwich actually stayed down. More than that, he – much as he hated to admit it – felt better once he was finished. He’d eaten very little since that day. 

“Now you’re going to rest,” Fury said, getting up. 

“I won’t be able to sleep,” Tony said, concealing a flash of panic at the thought. The nightmares were rampant and he had no desire to experience them ever again. He’d been able to steal bits of sleep here and there in his workshop because JARVIS was watching over him; here, in SHIELD, there was no way he’d be able to, even behind the doors of a locked room – and for once, it wasn’t because of the poor quality of SHIELD’s sheets.

“Just lay down and shut your eyes. It will help.”

“Where? On the floor?” Tony said, before he saw that Fury was gesturing to the couch that had been pushed up against the wall behind his desk. “Here? You want me to sleep _here_?”

Fury’s expression was blank. “Yes. I have work to do. I can’t stop my duties just because of you.” He sat down in his chair and turned his back on Tony. Tony stared at him. It took his exhausted brain a full minute to figure out that Fury was between him and the only entrance to the room. That meant, if anyone tried to go in, they’d have to go through Fury first. 

But of course, Fury would never actually say that. Tony would bet a thousand bucks Fury wasn’t working at all right now, but was just pretending. He almost smiled, but instead turned to the couch. It proved to be very soft and comfortable when Tony laid down. He curled into himself, closing his eyes. As much as he adored JARVIS, it was really good to know that the Director of SHIELD was watching over him this time.

“Thanks Nick,” he mumbled.

“Go to sleep, kid,” Fury said from somewhere close by. “I got this.”

Tony wasn’t aware of falling asleep. But it was hard to miss jerking awake. He didn’t even remember what he’d been dreaming about, but his heart was racing. He pushed himself up and a blanket slid down his body. Fury turned around in his chair and looked at him calmly. His presence made the panic drain away much quicker than usual, and Tony relaxed a little.

“A blanket? Really?” he said, plucking at the blanket. It was dark blue and surprisingly soft. It couldn’t have been SHIELD-issued, which begged the question of why Fury had a blanket in his office. He had to wonder just how many nights Fury had camped out on this very couch.

“You were cold,” Fury said.

“You’re such a secret mother hen.” Tony rubbed a hand over his face. His goatee felt bristly beneath his fingertips. “How long did I sleep?”

“Six hours.”

“Six hours? Really?” That was more than Tony had slept in weeks. He licked his lips, half-afraid to ask the next question. “Were you here the whole time?”

“I had a lot of work to do,” Fury said with a straight face, which was, Tony knew, complete bullshit. But he didn’t bother to call Fury out on it, mostly because that would’ve meant talking about the fact that Tony was terrified to fall asleep. If this allowed them both to save face, well, Tony would go with it.

“Where’s the team?” he asked. 

“Waiting for you, if you’re ready to see them. You don’t have to. It’s your choice.”

“You’re saying that a lot today,” Tony muttered.

“And I mean it every time.”

Tony cracked a small smile, but it fell short. In all honesty, he didn’t really want to see the team yet. But he couldn’t hide in Fury’s office forever, either. He had to see them at some point, and – much as Tony hated to admit it, because part of him still wanted to sweep this under the rug and pretend that everything was fine – it was better to do it while Couslon and Fury were around.

“No, let’s do it now,” he said, pushing the blanket away. He stood, swaying a little. Now, with a few hours of sleep and a meal behind him, he felt foolish for having freaked out during the battle. In all the time the Avengers had been a team, only one villain had ever made the fight sexual. Statistically, it was extremely unlikely that their next fight would’ve gone in the same direction. And Steve had just been trying to protect him, which Tony couldn’t really fault him for: outside of the armor, Tony was the most vulnerable of them all by far.

He followed Fury out of the office and down to the elevator. They were both quiet as the elevator rose, and Tony realized they were headed for one of the uppermost floors. He couldn’t help appreciating that. If worst came to worst, he could find a handy window and fling himself out. He pulled his phone from his pocket and texted a quick command to JARVIS, telling him to keep one of the armors near the building.

His chest tightened a little as Fury opened the door to a boardroom. Steve, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Bruce and Coulson were all sitting around the table. The aforementioned five looked like kicked puppies, even Natasha, and Tony had to reel in the instinct to make a joke in an effort to lighten the obvious tension in the room. Instead, he quietly took a seat beside Coulson. Fury, after one last glare, left the room.

“Friend Tony,” Thor said, leaning forward. “The Son of Coul has explained our grievous error. I wish for you to know that I am very sorry. The laws on Asgard are very different from those Earth. It has been impressed on me that I have a great deal of learning to do.” 

Tony sighed. “It’s okay,” he said.

“No, it’s not,” Coulson said, practically before Tony finished speaking. “But Thor has agreed to attend learning sessions with an instructor. They will be teaching him the laws of Earth, both written and implied, until he fully understands issues like consent.” He gave Thor a hard look. “As we all know, anyone who is living in a new world – or what is essentially a new world –” His glare included Steve now – “is not automatically given clearance for any mistakes they might make. Things may be different here, but that doesn’t give you license to do whatever you like.”

Thor nodded. “Indeed. My mother schooled me in diplomacy when I was a child. I should have taken it upon myself to learn how things are here, rather than just assume that your good will would extend to cover anything that I might do. She would be most disappointed in me.” 

He looked straight at Tony. “And of course, we have caused pain and suffering to you. It was never our intention, but I can see now how our actions would have caused you to rightfully doubt us. I cannot speak for the rest of the team, but I vow to fight in your honor until such time that you can trust me again.” He bowed his head.

It was very uncomfortable having an alien prince express that kind of… fealty? Oath? towards you. The strangest thing of all, though, was that Tony believed him. Thor was the most honest person that Tony knew. He rarely lied, and he was so terrible at it that it was child’s play to catch him. There was no doubt that the regret and pain on Thor’s face was real.

“Me too,” Bruce said, drawing Tony’s attention. “I mean… I was drugged. Heavily. You know that.” He held Tony’s gaze. “But I have no excuse for not going to you afterwards. I know what rape can do to a person, but I didn’t approach you. And in doing so, I made myself complicit in what happened. Tony, I’m sorry.”

“I would’ve thrown you out,” Tony admitted. Those first few days afterwards, he hadn’t wanted anyone around him. He’d even forbidden JARVIS from calling Pepper or Rhodey. And then, he’d been too ashamed to tell them the truth.

“It doesn’t matter. I still should’ve tried, and I’ll never forgive myself for just automatically assuming that you were fine with it.” Bruce’s eyes were bright – too bright, haunted by guilt. There were a lot of things that Bruce would never forgive himself for. But as much as Tony hated adding to that list, he couldn’t bring himself to say that it was okay again. 

“Captain?” Coulson prompted, when it became obvious that Bruce was finished.

“Tony, I…” Steve trailed off. He had his hands clasped together and was folded in on himself. “I’ve signed up for sessions, too. I don’t… this world is still so new to me too, and –”

“Steve,” Bruce said. His tone held a hint of warning. “We all promised that we would not give excuses. You can give _reasons_ , but not excuses.”

Steve frowned, but nodded. “Okay. I screwed up. Tony, I’m sorry. I know you’re not a soldier. I know that. But I…” he trailed off again, frustration crossing his face. “I know that, I swear I do. And I’ll get better at remembering it.”

“Captain Rogers,” Coulson said quietly, “has been ordered to attend mandatory therapy sessions for the next year. Twice a week. If he quits the sessions, he’ll be removed from the Avengers team.”

Steve flushed. “They’re supposed to help me get caught up with… everything,” he mumbled.

Tony, though he wouldn’t say as much, thought it was probably more than that. He knew that Steve had been offered therapy after coming out of the ice, but Steve had refused to go. Mental health wasn’t exactly a thing in the 1940’s, and it was clearly a concept that Steve still struggled to understand even now, after he’d been awake for a couple of years. This was, however, the first time that Steve had been _ordered_ to attend sessions. It would probably do him a world of good. Steve spent too much time pounding at punching bags.

“I think that’s good,” Tony said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. 

Steve looked at him like he wasn’t sure if Tony was trying to be sarcastic, eyebrows furrowed, but nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I just – you’re a part of the team, Tony. And we would never sacrifice you like that. I hope someday you can believe it.”

Tony didn’t believe it, not yet, so he just nodded. 

“I’m sorry I called you a slut,” Clint said, blunt to the end. “And I’m sorry I said you were used to it. I do know there’s a difference between sex and rape, but consent isn’t really a thing in our line of work.” He glanced at Coulson, who nodded once. “I forget sometimes that you’re not a SHIELD agent. You handle yourself so well on the field. It made sense to me at the time that you should do it, and if you were a SHIELD agent maybe –”

“Barton,” Coulson said.

Clint winced. “Um, what I meant was, if you were a SHIELD agent and not drugged, then maybe,” he clarified, then shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

If you were a SHIELD agent. Tony wondered about that. Just how fucked up were the SHIELD agents he was working with? He was beginning to think the answer was ‘a lot’. And it made him wonder just how many missions that Clint and Natasha had been on where they were asked, or forced, to do things they _really_ didn’t want to do. Enough missions that the line had become blurred, apparently. 

It was something he’d have to think about going forward. Steve and Thor didn’t know better, so they could learn. But Tony knew from experience that it was exceptionally more difficult to unlearn what trauma and pain had drummed into your head. Natasha and Clint would need to be watched, especially in the field. _Especially_ if they were drugged or hurt and their thinking patterns were compromised. He’d need to have that talk with JARVIS.

There was only one person left to speak, and Tony turned to face her slowly. Natasha had always been a bit of a wild card. She’d written that dumb assessment of him and, even though they were teammates now, she’d never recanted it. She was also the one who’d brought up his name in the first place. And while there was an argument to be made that they were all drugged at the time, it was still _his name_ that she’d suggested.

Natasha met his gaze squarely. “I have had sex on many missions,” she said. “I never considered it to be rape. I’m realizing now that I may have been wrong and that I didn’t appreciate what kind of effect that had on me. That doesn’t excuse what happened to you, of course. I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sorry for suggesting your name. It was wrong. You may have more experience sexually, but that means nothing in the end. I should have offered myself up.”

“Why didn’t you?” Coulson prompted.

She blinked, long eyelashes fluttering, and – shockingly - dropped her gaze. “I was afraid,” she said, very quietly. “I didn’t want to be raped again.”

Oh. Tony’s heart ached, looking at her. It didn’t excuse what she – what any of them – did, but it did bring a new target of anger into focus. SHIELD. If this was the kind of missions that agents were going out on, then it was SHIELD’s responsibility to make sure that they were getting the help they needed when they came back. He looked at Coulson, hoping the full weight of his disappointment and anger could be felt without words.

Coulson met his eyes. “We’re looking at some things,” he said. “In the meantime, it’s been decided that the Avengers team is off the roster for at least the next two months, effective immediately.” He raised a hand to forestall any objections, even though no one had spoken. “You will all be attending group therapy. This is mandatory. Anyone who doesn’t want to do it is off the team. And Tony, Bruce, I’m making the recommendation for you both to attend individual therapy as well.”

“As well?” Bruce asked.

“Tasha and I also have to go,” said Clint, reaching out and taking Natasha’s hand. She let him, though she didn’t squeeze back. “Apparently we’re both all fucked up in the head and no one knew how bad it was until now.” He tried to smile.

“Okay,” Tony said, surprising himself. The thought of therapy wasn’t fun. He hated talking about feelings. But he also couldn’t risk having another meltdown on the field. And he liked his team, loved them all. Even now, when he might’ve cried had someone touched him, he didn’t want another team. He wanted this one. He wanted it so bad that he could taste it.

“Me too,” Bruce said, looking a little uncomfortable. But he was trying - they all were - and Tony appreciated that.

Coulson nodded. “Good. I’ll be joining you for them, too. As your handler, it’s important that we understand each other. Our first session is tomorrow at 8am. Your individual schedules with be sent to you. At the end of the two months, we’ll have another discussion about whether or not we can move forward.” He glanced at Tony. “Is that okay?”

If it wasn’t, Tony knew, Fury and Coulson would shut the whole thing down. He didn’t want them to right now, but that was a comforting bit of knowledge to have in his back pocket. For now, he wanted to see how this would play out. Maybe the team didn’t hate him, maybe they wouldn’t sacrifice him, maybe he was worthy of being an Avenger after all. Maybe, maybe, maybe. He wouldn’t know unless he – unless _they_ put the work into finding out.

“I’m okay with that,” Tony said, realizing that he was. Relieved smiles broke out across everyone’s faces, even Natasha. Tony couldn’t bring himself to smile back quite yet, but he wasn’t running out of the room either. Baby steps, he figured. That was alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://tsuki-chibi.tumblr.com/).


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